Watching: Gladiator

Quote:
Maximus: "What we do in life, echoes in eternity."

Okay, so Gladiator is not the usual RomCom that I whine about, but it is my notoriously favorite movie. It has the best director, best script, best actors, costumes, sets, lightings, you name it. I adore all of it.
I chose this line because it's been chiming in my head for three days straight, as my Christian conviction finally plays on its new pull at my mind. I have nightmares of facing God with these dark patches on my soul and trying to explain what I was thinking. I am horrendously naive when it comes to men. It's not such an uncommon thing to have to fight against your hormones and acting upon them, but I feel like I have an especially difficult time to hold back, when I have trust in the opposite person, am attracted to them, the moment is there, and I assume I know how it's going to turn out.
I have absolutely never, ever been right.
Now that I'm come through the other side of completely immersing myself in all the secular world has to offer, I am facing the recovery mode of having to forgive myself for what I've done, and trusting that God, and my future husband, will too. This is by no means an easy feat. These people I have loved, I loved them purely when they did not, and they linger in my heart. Every one. Letting go was always the thing I had the most difficult with.
I had a friend who gave me a discouraging, yet somehow encouraging piece of advice very recently. He said that if you believe that there is a perfect "One" for you, then that means there are about 4 million men out there who are not it.
Ironically, I kissed this Fountain of Knowledge and he ended up being wrong too.
Yeah, go ahead and laugh. Go ahead, I'll wait.
Done now? I told you my life was one big self-sabotaging cliche after another. But I try hard to not let it be one hurt after another anymore. I matured slightly in this sense and upon a great adulthood discovery (Eureka!) realized I could simply change my situation with God and a nice calming attitude change.
Yeah, wow, Nobel prize winning stuff, I know! I do have these moments of awesome.
Yeah, except that's not me, that's the God in me. He brings me strength, and happiness, and good, honest friends to encourage me and laugh with. My darkest moments are becoming fewer and far between.
So, even though most of the guys I've dated have been awful, childish and selfish jerks, some of them have given me great happiness and memories. These are what I cling to, while I do my best to not bring up what is potentially hurtful.
I have a great life setup, always have. Terrible things have happened. Everyone has tragedy and mistakes. God helps, He truly does. It's all I can do but have faith that the love story He is writing will be a thousand times better than whatever I have tried writing myself. I just need to hand over the pen. Or in my case, the laptop keyboard.
And hey, if the Gladiator can phoenix his way out of his life struggles, I can too, right?

For the glory of Rome! Tally ho and onward.

Watching: 500 Days of Summer

Quote:
McKenzie: "You know, Henry Miller said the best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature."
Tom: "That guy had a lot more sex than me."

I relate to this movie in so many ways. The way Joseph Gorden Levitt's character just stumbles through love picking up the pieces while is seems everyone else has a perfect grasp on what's happening. I've always felt I take things too hard, and too literally, that I've thrown myself to love carelessly without thought on it eventually failing. I had such high hopes for it once, being the 'Tom Hansen' believer in the love Santa, now I've all but completely lost faith in such, but still long for the enjoyment of company, while making sure to keep them emotionally at bay, as did Summer in the movie.
I've come to the harsh realization that I'm out of prospects. There is no one I know that I yield any desire towards, or if I do, they do not have feelings for me. Though that fact seems pretty scary, I've also found that it isn't a bad thing. At least I've become firmly grounded in not wanting to mess with any more douches or stalkers. I'll wait it out for a good one.
It's always back to the timing of things with me.I feel like life bombards me with things too quickly for my brain to manage, like it tosses me into a pool and tells me sink or swim. I just sit in my pajamas, eat Ben and Jerry's Half Baked, and cry it out while spying on people's Facebooks. Or writing blogs at 2 AM.
I blame it on my girl best friend's pregnancy, and the marriage of my guy best friend, the happiness of my coupled-off family, and my long-time break-up process with a very true but doomed and stupid love. The last severed string of contact between us was cut off by my ex, and I can't help but feel the loss of a very dear friend. No matter what people tell me, or what bad blood is there, it is such a loss.
Tom Hanson broke plates, ate Twinkies and drank liquor. I'm too attached to my lovely dishware and don't much feel like cleaning or disturbing the neighbors in my apartment complex. I also despise taking shots and watching myself get fatter with each bite of Hostess. It doesn't work for me. Thanks a lot, movies, once again, you are no help.
I wish I could do what that first quote says and just write it all into a novel. I like writing, it's great therapy, and it worked for when my one love died. But I have dreamed of the story of my ex and I, and the twisted tale we weaved, and I don't feel like reliving such pains. My dead ex and I had nothing but good memories, while the Douche and I had mostly bad. Slight difference.
Time has to pass. I have to not fear the future, I still got a lot more ahead. But I'm also impatient.
Ah, young adult life.